i send my SOS to the world- this is my message in a bottle. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Perfect Fit Horoscope Wow, my love horoscope for today totally goes with my last entry: Whether you realize it or not, you just started a new phase in your life. It's going to look like a huge leap one day, but for now you're just feeling happier and sexier. 11:19 a.m. - Saturday, Oct. 16, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What I Want in a Man Mmm, hello world. So last night after I came home from going with Jade and Gil for a little mexican food grubbin', I was in a good mood. In a ridiculously good, foot tapping, spontaneous room dancing kind of way. It was just a good feeling- nothing specific to bring on the mood at all...just pure throw-your-hands-up, can't stop grinning, joy. Those I think are the best moods; the ones that come totally spontaneously, for no reason except that things are good in the general sense. Been getting ready for my birthday next week, and I think I'm going clubbing tonight which is good- I'm in the mood to get my groove on the dance floor. Man, I think this is way recurring- for someone who used to be such a homebody, I've been partying every week. Ah, well I still think I am a homebody, but no harm in living it up a little bit. I also got a B on my midterm, which is pretty good. Anyway, I've made a resolution to myself. No more assholes. I guess this resolution has been triggered by the fact that I've talked to V. a little bit more lately (after his apology) and even though he's said that he's sorry, and I know he means it- that doesn't mean he's really changed, or that he's a different person. Talking to him just reminds me of what an asshole he is. With that disclaimer said: it's not that I don't or didn't care for him, or that I'm saying these things because it didn't work out between the two of us. He's just...asshole-y, in the general sense- I even thought that when we were dating, so that's not new news to me. And he's like that to everyone, so it's not personal. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've dated some really big scumbags in my time. Maybe I'm a bum magnet, maybe I just didn't really have my head on straight yet. I was talking to a friend about this a couple days ago. He asked me, "What do you think it is with the bad guys, and then the girl finally realizes, and dates/marries a good guy? Anyway, I told him there was a quote that totally stood out for me: ""We accept the love we think we deserve." So maybe, especially reading back on my old entries like I have been prone to do lately, I can see the genesis of growth there. Because what we need, and what we think we deserve are two different things, and I'm realizing that I deserve better. And I know innately, that for someone who I would think would have better judgement, I don't. I can recognize that in myself, my attraction with dark sides, bad behavior, strength in an impassive angry form, or a relationship with a deadline. Maybe I was hoping there was something underneath the toughened exterior, I don't know. But honestly, when was the last nice boy I dated? High school? I think my entire adult life, these are the types that I have dated: cheater, emotionally impassive, charasmatic habitual liar, merely physical, manipulator. Not very promising, but in hindsight, I can say that I learned a lot from these situations. And now, perhaps, if I ever meet the right person, I can recognize how unique that is. Because I want the right person to not teach me something about myself simply based on my response to the things they do- but for actually being who they are. For a smart girl, I can get stupid when it comes to guys. I lose all sense of judgment, moral compass and intelligence. But not anymore. I made a list the other night, of the qualities I really want in a man. I made one a year ago, but I can't find it, and maybe those things don't apply anymore. I needed a new list. Because in reading my old entries, I realize that I've grown up a little bit. I'm still ridiculously far from where I want to be, but to see that growth is good. And I know that a lot of that growth is an internal relationship with myself, and so now hopefully my external relationships will mirror that. Qualities I want in a man: Intelligent- good conversationalist; someone I could spend the whole night talking to, even months and months down the road So, let's see how this goes. 5:15 p.m. - Friday, Oct. 15, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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