i send my SOS to the world- this is my message in a bottle. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Gone Crazy I seriously think I'm going out of my mind. I'm typing in here because I feel like I have no one one to talk to at this particular moment in time. The house is empty and all the lights are on, in my house, blaring. I got a little sleep, but that didn't help much. If anything, I'm more disoriented, more lost. I tried to go to sleep and take a nap to erase the feeling of utter fatigue, and had another nightmare. It was scary, it was large, it was chasing me. When I lay down, I'm terrified someone is watching me. I'm afraid of the dark, it's too hard to turn the lights off. I think I had a literal panic attack, and it's scaring the hell out of me. I feel like all the repressed things that I've been stifling and putting to the side, the big issues and the real shit in my life that I've been ignoring is coming to a head. It isn't really so much about the nightmares I've had lately- it's just an indicator of what's up with me. I feel like most of the time it's really easy to pretend that nothing is wrong, that nothing is going on with me. But I feel like a total mess right now- never, ever in my life felt this way. I'm so fatigued and worn down that I can barely walk straight, I can't function or think. I'm just fucking scared, of everything. I guess I have tried to push all of this out of my mind and focus on the good things, and almost barely was able to convince myself otherwise. But with all this stuff going on, I guess it's come to the point when my body and mind won't let me pretend that I'm totally fine. I also have a paper due tomorrow, worth 1/3 of my grade- a huge paper that I haven't done any work on. I only found out it was due tomorrow, today. Apparently, last week, for no reason he decided to move the paper up 3 weeks from it's November 4th deadline. I'm screwed in a very big way. I can barely string a couple thoughts together, much less a whole paper. I tried to talk to Dan about it, but he had to go to class. So, now I am sitting here, typing my thoughts into this box in a little way trying to regain some of my sanity, and some perspective. I know I'll read back on this and cringe, wonder what people think, wish I didn't type this in here... but at this point, I don't fucking care. On a positive note, on the midterm I took on Monday, I got an A, and apparently the whole class didn't do so well, but out of all the classes, we did better than most...which means I did pretty well out of everyone. At least that's one good thing. 8:47 p.m. - Wednesday, Oct. 20, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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