i send my SOS to the world- this is my message in a bottle. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Morning After I feel like shit. Honestly. I didn't get much sleep last night...it was too hard to go back to sleep after that nightmare episode last night. I'm the lab at school waiting for class to start. I'm having a really hard time staying awake- hence the blogging. My mind needs to hang in there, for at LEAST two more classes. I don't know if I can make it to my last class that's not for another 9 hours... I'm used to staying up, but this is ridiculous. I can't even function. Combined with this torrential rain and the dark gloomy weather, the idea of my bed at home (and sleeping during daylight hours when nothing can get me) is really tempting. I feel like I'm swimming underwater- my head is swimming and I keep dropping off into spontaneous fits of sleep. If they didn't need to go to these classes, I'd be at home. I feel like I've been hit by a truck, run over eight times, and then dragged behind the vehicle for at least 12 miles. Oooh, they just had an announcement: My professor isn't here yet...and in 10 minutes if she's not here yet, we can leave. That'd be great... especially if she doesn't show for the next class either; then I can just go home. I'll go the library and take a nap or something. MAN. I need an espresso shot or something. Or possibly a shot of jack. Ohh...she's here now. Damnit. I guess this means I have to go to class... ZzzZZzzz.... 11:10 a.m. - Wednesday, Oct. 20, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I AM SO SCARED RIGHT NOW
I AM SO FREAKED OUT RIGHT NOW. I just woke up from a horrible nightmare/paralyzing kind of thing. And now. I. Am. So. Scared. What am I, ten years old? Seriously. So I went to sleep tonight, around 1:15-1:30am-ish. My head hit the pillow, I curl into position and I'm comfortable. I'm kinda dozing off, but my thoughts kept...changing. It was fucking scary. Like I'd think about something nice, and the thought would change to something totally psychotic. I kept changing thought patterns and topics in my head because I was freaking myself out. Which is totally like me, so I tried not to think of it too much. But it was like...I couldn't really control my thoughts all that well. At one point, I even thought I heard light knocking, but it passed so quickly that I didn't give it too much of a thought. So, I'm dozing off, and then I get..paralyzed. I can't move, I can't do anything. It was so scary! I tried to break out of it, but I couldn't...It was like I was just stuck there, unable to move or say anything. I finally break out of it and roll over to the other side, thinking it was just my imagination or some random shit like that, even though I was kinda scared. So it happens again. And again. Three fucking times, I get paralyzed, and at the same time, I'm having a scary foreboding type nightmare in the back of my head. At one point, it felt like there was this huge weight on me, pressing harder and harder on me. I even tried to scream because it HURT, but nothing came out. I've never tried to scream in a nightmare or anything like that. The last time was so scary- it just felt like there was...badness in the room. Just something, not good. And fuck, I hate typing this because I don't want to freak myself out more, but I'm scared as all hell. So the last time, I'm awake, trying so hard to lift my arm, or move my body, get up, turn on the lights..SOMETHING...but I can't. It took all the willpower in my mind to move my body up. Fuck. So I turn on the lights, go online, see if there's anyone to talk to because I'm scared out of my mind right now. I feel like a little kid, I honestly cried a little bit because it's scary! This is very much a lame moment that I wish I had a boyfriend I could wake up right now because I don't want to stay up and be scared alone. This all took place within about 30 minutes I hope I can get some sleep tonight, but I'm sitting here too afraid to try. 2:30 a.m. - Wednesday, Oct. 20, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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