i send my SOS to the world- this is my message in a bottle. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- No One Else Comes Close
No, ironically enough, it wasn't about a lost love, or a past relationship that came to mind. It was an old friend from High school, someone I haven't spoken to in a couple of years, due to a falling out we had. I wouldn't even "falling out" was the right word. That implies some kind of confrontation....but there wasn't anything like that for her. Maybe it was just growing apart, maybe it was the fact that she wouldn't meet me halfway when it came to our friendship, and I decided I had to jump ship rather than let the inevitable fade away happen... But, I kind of miss her. She loved this song, and I knew who she thought of when she heard it, I knew her stories, I knew her life. I knew her. But I don't know her anymore. The memories we shared are faded in the background of my mind, and enough time has past that the specifics ellude me. I saw her a couple of weeks ago. I almost knew I would, mainly because I always run into her when I visit UCSD. The last time I tried to be distant, the anger still holding me hostage, trying so hard to keep her arms length despite all the friendship we had shared. It's like a relationship almost, both of you sharing a history but letting it be just that- history. But- but this time, it was harder. It's almost as if life is good enough that it's hard to hold something that is only a distant memory so hard inside you. I have a fault memory, perhaps, but I forgot why she hurt me, I forgot my anger. So I was sitting on the shuttle, when Dan points her out as she walks by. I figure the windows are tinted, that she can't see me. I study her, and not much has changed. She looks older, her face and body is different. She still has the same white sweater and black pants, and she smiles at me, spotting me. I can see the surprise across her face, but she waves. A friendly wave, slightly tentative at first, although I've always admired her ability to try to be nice as much as I try to put on an impassive front. I wave back, smiling with a easy friendliness that suprises even me. It's as if the wrongs of the past are gone, and it's easy to forget. And in a way it is, because that's how it always is when I finally get over a situation. I hold onto my hurts very tightly, but once they are let go, it's ridiculously easy to let that person back in my life because I know they're done hurting me. That no matter what they do, they can't touch me the same way twice. In that sense, it's easy for me to remain friends with ex's once the feeling subsides, it's easy for me to forgive once I choose to empty my heart, in that hollow lacuna that they once occupied. So maybe that's it. I'm over it perhaps? On an unrelated note: I'm sick, miserable and have the WPA tomorrow, on top of celebrating my birthday with friends. Hopefully I won't be too hupped up on meds. Argh. 11:37 p.m. - Friday, Oct. 22, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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