i send my SOS to the world- this is my message in a bottle. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's Official: I'm Going to San Francisco
I am registered at San Francisco State University for the 2005 Spring semester. In a mere two and half months, I will be leaving San Diego, packing up my little white car and moving into my new apartment. In the mean time, I will be buying things I did not anticipate needing before; spoons, bowls, perhaps a collander, mittens and thicker sweaters for cold nights so different then the supposed winter of San Diego. I will be leaving my best friends who I am already scared of missing, meeting new people whose lives are gonna be part of mine for a time, and feeling out a city completely different then the one that I have lived in my whole life. I guess I spent so much time doing this, that I let the reality slip past me. I am so excited, scared...and alive. I guess I'm still in awe over all of this, still amazed that I am actually making this plan take flight, and so quickly. This isn't like so many of my past passing cockamamie schemes and whims that fell by the wayside- Latin America, London, Fullerton. This is so different then everything I've ever done, part of that person I was when I was 18 and desperate to leave and find another me. And while I have to say that I did find a certain me in the 4 years since then, there is still so much more to learn. I know it's not a lightning change that exists just because you've left your comfort zone, but I will say that I fully anticipate testing myself and growing because that's what I'm leaving for. 3 months ago, before all of this started, I was anticipating other kinds of big changes, excited about SDSU, starting another chapter of my life- so it startles me how quickly one can alter the path of their life that seemed so rigid and fixed at the time. I guess I'm constantly in search of that next challenge. Part of me feels so naive, such a wide eyed innocent at times. My views, my life, all enclosed in a very small bubble, despite my constant attempts to broaden my view, I am fully aware of my limited scope. There is so much more the world, parts of it I am dying to explore through new eyes. There are times I feel so world weary and travel worn, but the truth of the matter is that I am still very much a baby. And while I would like to step into this with an idealistic fresh slate, I'm resolving not to get too jaded or frayed. I've seen too many times the results of being burned, the effects of seeing the other side of the coin. I know who I am, and what I hope to accomplish in my time there, so I'm gonna try to maintain that. My growth belongs to me, and while situationally I may not have control over what happens, I can hold control by relinquishing it and enjoying the ride. I watched Garden State last night with Jade, a movie I would HIGHLY recommend by the way. After I left the theatre (which, by the way, seemed to be teeming with couples holding hands, in a "ooh-i'm-so-glad-i-saw-this-with-someone-i-love" kind of way *bleccck!*) there were a couple of scenes that really stayed with me. But there was one part, where Andrew Largeman/Zach Braff says to his father, "We may not always be as happy as you always dreamed we'd be, but for once, let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are. " Isn't that so great? Just that...moment. To allow ourselves to feel whatever it is we feel, without apology or obligation. Without answering to whomever it is that we usually answer to, letting go and simply existing within a moment's space. I'm not going away to be happy, or to seek happiness- because I have it already. It exists wherever I make it, wherever I let it become a reality for me. I am happy here, at home, but that doesn't mean I can't be happy elsewhere. You find beauty and relevance where you choose to find it. And on that same side, there is no obligation that we hold to feeling happy. Whether it be allowing ourselves a good cry, coddling a sad song in the dark, melancholy, musing or otherwise, there is a social weight put on being happy- as if we sort of owe it to other people to always be happy, which I don't think is right. For whose benefit are we putting on this show? Is there a reason to numb ourselves to others? Shouldn't we rejoice in the act of being alive in all its forms, whether it be ecastic or depressed, rather than in the homogenization of emotion? Anyway, I'm going off in all directions today with my thought pattern because I keep coming back to this entry instead of just posting it at the time. I guess because I know this is one that I'll come back to and reread, as a sort of genesis jumping off point in my leaving San Diego, so I wanted to get all my thoughts in. At any rate, yes, I am scared. But I am also alive, and perhaps that's what matters. 12:05 p.m. - Saturday, Nov. 06, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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