i send my SOS to the world- this is my message in a bottle. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Holiday Talk Well, this Holiday season is winding down, and it's been great. Time with family, friends I love wholeheartedly, food...what more could a girl ask for? You know you're not a kid anymore when you can't even remember what you did last Christmas. They've just all started to meld together until they're hard to discern from one another. It's weird though... in the midst of all of this, I'm preparing to leave for San Francisco. I know it's only for a little while, and people do it every day, but to me, it feels like a monumental adventure. It feels like the begining of real change, of something huge and important. It just feels like everything in my life is changing. The people moving forward and coming back, losing myself a little bit and gaining so much in the process. I know I've said this many times, many ways, and yet somehow I feel as if I keep on verbalizing it maybe it'll become more real instead of this huge abstract thing that's just happening to me. That if I use enough words, I can will exactly what I want to happen in my life. Anyway, it's down to the real part of leaving. Putting together lists of what I need, booking flights and getting my car looked at, ordering contact lenses enough to last me while I'm there. Seeing people I love before I leave, thinking about having a get together with friends before i go... that kind of thing. Aye. I guess it's weird leaving, in the sense that i'm so happy here, right here, right now. I am so happy with the friends that I have and the family that I love, in the school I go to, and the things that I do every day. I love the weather here in San Diego, I love the people, the streets, the clubs, the bookstores. I know where to eat if I have a craving for something, I never get lost. I'm content and happy and really have no reason to leave. But- maybe that's why it's so important for me to go. Because I need to test myself, live and love and learn from the things that I can't get here anymore. Adventure, life, seeing a part of the world and of myself that I haven't seen. And while I'm sure it will be plenty painful and I will have many homesick feelings and cravings for taquitos, pats on the shoulders and good hugs- I've got to do it. Because this happened to me when I was seventeen years old, and again when I was twenty- two times where I could have left this life and myself in it. But I didn't because I was happy and comfortable and I didn't want to change. And these moments will only come so often now, for the rest of my life- the opportunity to totally change my life in one fell swoop. If I keep waiting, scared and apprehensive, it may never happen. And if there is one thing I have prided myself on for the mantra of my life, it was just that- Never Regret Anything. Go, do the things that make you happy. Choose those moments, fleeting and random and passing, and make them yours. Don't look back and go, "what if". And I don't want to do that, and that is the main fear of my life in general. To look back and wonder and wish for something that will never happen again, instead of doing it despite fear when I had the chance. Because I am only going to be twenty-two once, on the cusp of the rest of my adult life, with no commitments and the ability and freedom to make my life extraordinary. These moments will be hard pressed to find in a year, or in five years or in ten. But when those moments appear, I will also ride them out for all they are worth and all that I can learn. So, that's why I find myself naturally scared, but more ready and willing to take the chance now more then ever. 8:29 p.m. - Sunday, Dec. 26, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||