i send my SOS to the world- this is my message in a bottle. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- All Roads Lead to Home
I drove today, aimlessly west as the sun was setting. I drove along the 56, my heart constricting under the weight of something I couldn't explain, the sun slowly dipping over the cliffs at Torrey Pines. Lonely tears tracked down my face, and I couldn't exactly pinpoint why or how they came, until they were there. Sure, I'm scared. Sure, I'm fearful and at odds with myself. The feeling of adventure that was so tangible before has been replaced with a sort of... I don't know. Loneliness? Emptiness? Fear? I don't want to beg for my friends time, beg them to see me before I go. I don't want to force myself to matter, and I know it's so stupid, me feeling this lost and scared, but I cannot help it in any sort of logical way. I'm just scared that when I leave I won't matter to anyone, anywhere. I don't know if that was the reason that I drove for nearly an hour, listening to "Have a Little Faith in Me" and wondering exactly why that particular song had any meaning whatsoever to how I was feeling. I know I'm doing the right thing by leaving. I know it. I know that this is probably pre-leaving jitters. But it doesn't make it any less real, any less scary to leave the worn landmarks that I am so used to. ..... Went to PB with Jade and Dan to get my last helping of their awesome Carne Asada Nachos and Margaritas, then Jade and I drove around San Diego. We ended up in Cornado, overlooking the San Diego skyline and I realized how lucky and blessed I am to have lived in this city. The lights twinkled across the water of a skyline I have loved my whole life, throwing lights across the water through the huge navy ships that occasionally broke the still clear water. Seagulls dotted the beach, and I passed the restaurant that we went to for Prom, standing on the same pier and remembering something that happened nearly five years ago. Half a decade in which I have learned to be a part of this city so well. I kept remembering pieces of my past, my life here. At one point I turned to Jade and likened my leaving to having a long term, serious relationship with someone for a very long time. To having a first love, a love you can imagine marrying, but needing to take a break because you never know if there could be something better or more perfect for you because you never saw the difference. San Diego is that first love for me, the place that has been my home, and maybe me and this city need to go on a break so that I can really see if it's somewhere I want to spend the rest of my life. Once I thought that would be a crime, but now I realize that perhaps it would be a blessing. I'll never know until I go and do it. We drove across the bridge, and I chose "Wheel" by John Mayer as we crossed the bridge and I drank in the skyline again. I know I'll see it again, I just wonder how it's going to look when I see it. I chose songs all night that reminded me of things and by the end of the night we had nearly driven from Del Mar to the border, while I drank in all of the things that I love about this city. The lights of the Hotel Del Coronado on a dark night, the skyline going south on the 5, our short runway'd airport. The tower that sticks out above mission bay, getting wings at Food 4 Less and eating them in the car, crying alone in my car at the information center at the beach over a friend who ended up not being worth it in the end, dates at Paradise Point and Belmont Park and La Jolla Shores and Mt. Soledad. I love this city. 2:10 a.m. - Saturday, Jan. 15, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||