i send my SOS to the world- this is my message in a bottle. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I Was Meant to Be Your Freedom I've cried so many tears over the past couple of days, I somehow wonder how I have anything left to cry with at all. They spring up at every single opportunity, unbidden and falling from my eyes, tears of loss, tears of fear, tears of petulant anger and disappointment. Perhaps I am just as afraid of staying as I am of leaving. I burst into tears today at the most inopportune time, in the middle of a recording session. Tears that came and that I couldn't stop, tears that even a trip to the bathroom could not remedy that only found itself in the place of swallowed hiccuping sobs as my producer hugged me. Aside from being scared, maybe it's the plateau that shows me things that I've never seen in stagnation. I just feel so...lonely. So alone in all of this, and all of the people who I counted on, I cannot find at all, and somehow that hurts more than leaving. It feels more lonely knowing that that people I love are gone from my heart than from being miles away from them. The thought that I am still in the same city with them and yet I've already somehow lost them burns and is leaving new tears to streak my face even when I write this. I wish I had certain people to turn to and not having that... scares me more than anything. Because what does that mean if the people I love the most aren't there for me now? Where does that leave me when I have to start over? This moment, this time in my life is so... scary, hard and an intense ride I never anticipated. Everything is important right now, as if this time will help mark my time there, because these fleeting moments are what I need to take with me, bottled nostalgia to take me through foggy San Francisco nights. Every moment is precious to me, compressed as I try to figure my last four days here. I need my friends right now, the people I have praised and loved and thanked so many numerous times in the pages of this diary and in words and hugs. And right now, I feel as if they are so few and far between that part of me wonders if they were there at all. And this maybe isn't a fair assessment, but that doesn't resolve the turbulence in my heart- that I feel alone in all of this, and no amount of reaching out has changed that situation at all. Part of me never wants to leave, to fix this by staying, and part of me wishes I was already gone. I was supposed to go out to Rock Bottom in the Gaslamp with friends, but in the end, I abandoned it. I was tired from recording, didn't feel like dancing, but most importantly...it didn't feel genuine. My heart wasn't in it, because... I just didn't feel any enthusiasm from anyone else. It didn't seem particularly relevant for anybody to see me before I leave. Which hurt more than anything. My days are very short, and I don't think I'm going to have a lot of time to see anyone before I go. That was kind my last chance to do that. But now... the urge to see anyone has faded. Perhaps I'll regret it later, but there are only very very few people, if even more than one (Jade) that I need to see before I leave. Maybe, in the words of T.S. Elliot, "This is the way the world ends, not with a bang, but a whimper." So, instead just Jade and I went to Extraordinary Desserts on 5th avenue and had our choice piece- the Truffle Framboise. And somehow, that mattered infinitely more to me than a room full of friends and music. Me and her, eating good dessert and laughing and me alternatingly crying. Asking the trademark "what if" questions. It means the world to me that I can be as honest with her as I can about anything that's in my head. What will I do without her? If she's the only one keeping me together here, how will it be 521 miles away? I've been listening to this song all day, at Jade's recommendation. It's Esthero's Gone from her new EP - We R in Need of a Musical Revolution. For some reason it's hit a big chord with me, so here I am writing and listening to it on repeat which brings on, of course, more tears, but I never said I wasn't masochistic like that. Esthero - Gone Lyrics 2:18 a.m. - Sunday, Jan. 16, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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