i send my SOS to the world- this is my message in a bottle. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Paper, Denim and Cloth
It's been weird, packing up things to take with me. It's like trying to figure out which pieces of me are the most important to take with me. Especially when it comes to packing my clothes. I've always felt like my clothes were an extension of myself, and finding the right pieces to suit the cold winter nights, the person I'm going to be for the next couple of months... seems to be harder than I planned. T-shirts that have encased me in comforting perfect 100% cotton with funny sayings, jackets that have been perfect for temperate autumn nights, lacy Victoria's Secret Very Sexy Collection for special occasions, GAP scarves that remind me of nights and kisses and dates. I remember what I've worn for every notable occasion in my life; the white linen dress with pencil skirt, matching capulet and straw hat with pink flowers I wore to church as a seven year old, the black and white polka dotted dress I used to spin in to pretend I was Liesel Von Trapp from the Sound of Music as a child, the lavendar mini-skirt and matching blazer piped in white that I wore for my 8th grade promotion, the denim Express coat and pink and white scarf I wore when I kissed M. for the first and last time. So the good clothes have been taken out of my closet, ready to be bagged and boxed, and somehow my closet doesn't even look remotely empty. Maybe I've been accumulating these clothes and these memories for too long. Only without them readily accessible will I find out how important they are to me. Maybe I won't even know they're missing. I went out with the family today after packing. We had a "goodbye" lunch for me at this chinese restaurant on Convoy, then went to the Ford dealership so my dad could test drive the Sport Trac and the F-150 since he's thinking of buying a new car. It was good, spending time with my family since I'm going to miss them fearfully when I go. I've been trying to spend time with them over the last couple days, but it seems like we're never all home at the same time. It was a good feeling to be with everyone, despite my passing moods of crabiness. I've been really short tempered lately, just because of the stress of everything, PMS and other reasons I can't even really explain to myself. And, my moods of short temperedness are sometimes a welcome change...because sometimes... it's a wonder I feel anything at all. I just feel numb, in a way. I have two full days left here. Tomorrow is for errands and the evening is for recording, and then Wenesday is for family. And then...Thursday, and I'll be gone. It's just so weird... Friends call and I feel so subdued. Almost as if I'm underwater. I don't know what I'm holding on to, and what I'm letting go of at all. But I guess these moments will come and go and I'm more vigilant lately about blogging because I somehow need these words and this moment recorded. I need to read back upon this time, this moment right before I changed things around, when I could write in the sanctity of my empty room. This moment is just as important as any other, but I know I need to be able to return to it upon request. And maybe, a week from now when I'm safely tucked away and turning strangers and ideas into memories and familiarity, reading this again will all make sense. That's what I'm hoping for at least. 1:51 a.m. - Tuesday, Jan. 18, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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