i send my SOS to the world- this is my message in a bottle. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Beauty in the Breakdown My first official day as a resident of San Francisco was yesterday. I said goodbye to my parents at my apartment, my dad in the parking structure first. I clutched him tightly, this man who has been my everything for twenty-two years. He is my verbal sparring partner and probably the parent I am most like. I hugged him, quick tears reaching my eyes before I could control it. I repeated the words, "I love you" after we had disengaged ourselves and he said, "Make sure you check the oil of your car," in a way that probably meant "I love you too." I said goodbye to my mom in my apartment after she had walked me in, tears I couldn't control crumpling my demeanor. She didn't cry, just held my face in her hands as she said to me seriously, "Make the most of this time. Go outside your comfort zone, and grow from it." I nodded, biting my lip and struggling not to lose the woman that I have seen nearly every day for over two decades. And then they were gone. I cried the obligatory tears, shed them quietly in the bathroom while sitting on the closed lid of the toilet, trying so hard not to give into what felt like the first acute moment when I knew I would be on my own. I was alone in my apartment, the quiet soaking me in at all sides, but I was glad that nobody could see my red rimmed eyes. The tears only lasted for several moments before they subsided. I knew the moment would come, so letting it happen and go was probably the only thing I could do. Afterwards, I made plans to meet up with Dan, show him my apartment and then for us to head over to Emeryville to visit Stacey. I picked him up without a hitch, showed him around my digs, and then we made our way. Proudly eschewing directions, I told him we were on an adventure, and to throw caution to the wind. To temper my flare for the dramatic, the compromise was that we would "look at the directions, but not print them out, to get a general idea of where we should go." Traffic was horrendous on the Bay Bridge because of one car that was stalled, so we sat in the car for nearly an hour and fifteen minutes, listening to my, according to him, "depressing" music (but in my defense, my iPod ran out of batteries so I was limited by selection to happier tunes). We met up with Stacey, shot the shit in her apartment and then, upon my request headed to Gypsy's in Berkley for dinner. I've been craving their Frutti Di Mare since I had it back in June, so I was very excited to have it again. We ended up staying past midnight, just telling stories and laughing. The only thing that really scares me are the things that I cling to are also the things that I am trying to leave behind. More than once that evening, Stacey insisted that I was a certain way, even if I insisted I wasn't, at least to the extreme that was being presented. And, while I can't deny the person that I am or have been in the past, the constant repetition of verbalizing my various characteristics I know won't help me in the end. Because the more it is said the way I am, the less room I have to change. Especially to the people who know me and see me often, or even those who are just getting to know me. This time is for me- the moment when I get to figure out exactly who I am, now. And hearing all of the words about my absolutely horrible forgetfulness, my lack of childrearing skills, tomboyness, my moodiness...while they are not untrue, continually verbalized will never give me the chance to see who I am outside of what people see. I can't even sometimes, see past what other people see. But, driving back over the bridge late at night reminded me of the reason that I am here. The lights that swoop over the bay bridge illuminated our path, like the lighting of an airplane's runway. Happy, uplifting music played and I think about the time ahead of me that once felt so long, one day in, feels incredibly short. I came home late, and to my relief, my roomate was still awake, folding laundry. We ended up just talking, discussing love, life, ourselves. It was good, just learning her and in turn, learning me. She laughed at the fact that I don't consider myself "girly", even calling me as a closet romantic. Which is pretty much accurate. But while I told her about the boys' perception of me being ungirly, she said something that endeared me to her very quickly. "It's not that you're not girly. You're just more genuine." We talked about being true to oneself, about recieving and giving love, about pretense. I think I can learn a lot from her- she has really set, almost traditional ideas about love, about recieving respect, compromise. And while I have bent and changed some of the standards that I have held, I think that hearing those words about the things you don't compromise will help me enormously in the long run. We ended up staying up till nearly 4:30am, talking while she folded laundry and I sorted things around my room. Today, I woke up around 10am, and we all sat around the living room at various times, just talking while we ate. I genuinely like my roomates, and I think we'll all be able to get along. I feel good thus far about the living situation, but of course, you must remember the old tag line of The Real World..."When people stop being polite and start being real." Then in the afternoon, we went to Haight and walked around while one of my roomates Irene sold some clothes to a consignent shop. It was so great- the vibe was hippy and colorful. We popped into a grip of shops, and their was SUCH great fashion. Everything was unique or quirky, and I saw a million shirts and hats I wanted to buy. The buildings were painted in bright pastels, murals dotted some walls. We were planning on going to Ameoba, but maybe I'll go later in the week when I'm by myself or with someone very patient. I really want to take my time in there, listen and soak it all in, and I don't want to be rushed. I found my way there and back with little trouble, so I'm actually kinda learning the area which is awesome to me. I haven't gotten incredibly lost just yet, so hopefully I can keep up my good track record up. So now I'm in my apartment, and everyone is out, which is nice to have some moments by myself. It is vaugely hitting me though, the enormity of being so far away from home. Just the people that I haven't seen in a couple of days, so inaccessible to me from so far away. I miss them, but I've been keeping busy so as not to think of it too much. I spoke to my dad on the phone today, him revealing that my mom's even demeanor was only kept up until she got on the plane, and she proceeded to cry on the way home and in the car after my sister had picked her up. My mom also asked me to speak to my dog on the speakerphone, and he actually ran to the door looking for me when he heard my voice. Aww...my dog! I miss him! But it's been a very good two days- everything I could have hoped for. Here we go... 8:19 p.m. - Sunday, Jan. 23, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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