i send my SOS to the world- this is my message in a bottle. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Internal Peace I found "my" spot today. I went running around Lake Merced and I came to the midpoint where a small little path diverged from the asphalt. Curious, I decided to follow it because of my "adventure" slant. I took it and it led to me a small wooden bridge that merged the lake. The lake is a loose shape of an 8, two larger bodies of water with a smaller chasm in between them. The bridge spans it, and I took it to the middle. I stood there for a good twenty minutes, letting the wind whip across me, listening to songs that had touched me before I left. I found that little space inside of me, the quiet part of me that I can reach in my "spots" at home. I've felt kinda numb on it lately, so reaching it and being there was so good for my mental growth. Even now, I'm stir crazy and out of sorts, but unfortunately, it isn't safe for me to walk around or out there at night, so I'm stuck here typing. At any rate, I really liked that spot. Partially because I could hear the birds, the sky was blue and clear and there was nobody around that I could see... but partially because of the hokey part of me that enjoyed the symbolism. Two big masses of water, and the little bridge that gaps them. Some kind of limbo, some kind of middle ground between two definitive things. I'm just... thinking. Dangerous for me, but still...necessary. So much has happened the last two weeks, and I guess it's hard to wrap my arms around it completely. There have been certain things that have really been on mind, things so left unverbalized and said that they stick to me in quiet moments. It pushes me from extreme happiness to desperate stupidity, blundering blustering and a laughter so unlike the one I'm used to hearing. I'm working on it. Working on clearing my headspace, letting myself relax, feel at home. I'm working on letting go of the little things that are so unlike me, trying to find some sebelance of anchoring and "home". It's weird in the sense that I feel adrift. My apartment isn't "home" yet, myself still strange and adjusting to the people around me. I am more me than I have ever been, working so hard to find the things that apply and make me happy, and yet part of me wishes I could scoop my dog up in my arms and breathe in his stinky smell, burrow in between my blue sheets and sprawl out on my queen sized bed. So, in reference to that, I've been taking really long showers and running by the lake, reading in the quad in the sunshine, and putting my headphones on way more than normal. I've been trying to find a more internal, less tangible sense of grounding. It's not in the things that are familiar to me; the ocean, the quietness of my room, the sound of my mother's voice. Instead, I've been working very hard to be more centered within my own self because all of the things that used to apply don't anymore. And in response, I feel particularly more mature. More patient in a way. And in return, I feel more sound, more...circumspect. In that sense, it's really gratifying for me to see the positive parts of my personality take root. In another sense to, appreciating the parts of me that I already treasure in a whole different light is helping me as well. Knowing that the things that are good about me are valid. I'm working in a very consious way to be a better version of myself, and so far I feel so gratified with the outcome. Well, it's late. I've been writing this for hours, continually writing a line and then coming back to it. I have to be awake in a couple hours for school and SO much more has happened then I've written here, but...well, maybe another story for another day. 3:50 a.m. - Thursday, Feb. 03, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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