i send my SOS to the world- this is my message in a bottle. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Glamour and Reality Went to another bonfire with Dan's friends at Ocean Beach. Was really glad to be invited, for the main reason that I was around strangers, but at least I felt like myself. Those moments are kinda earned and treasured now, moments when I'm comfortable being me, instead of experimenting with someone else's estimation of what they see. I know at those sorority/frat things I can play the part, look the role and say the right things and not stick out. But isn't that the point in life? To stick out? If I was content being the same as everyone else, I'd be someone else. It was a lesson in personal identity, in trying on another hat to see what fits, and venturing outside of my idea of myself. But, I also know who I am and I know that that's definitely not it. I could laugh that sweet laugh and say the right answers to those girls because I know they're judging me, but I'd know better. I'd know who I really was, and where I'd really be happy. And I really appreciated being around people without that pressure of feeling judged, that more than I could say and more than I realized. So, needless to say, his friends were very cool people, and I was ten times more comfortable yesterday than on Friday. Today I had the good fortune of being by myself. Last night actually I was planning on going to GoGo Cafe with Angela's Ashes, enjoy my honey walnut prawns in relative introverted peace. But Dan called as I was walking down the street, so I ate my honey walnut prawns at the beach, haha. I did make a cool friend named Vea who lives in the apartment above the cafe. Coolness! So today, I took the time to finish off the book, (which was very satisfying and a very good read), and then I found out they have a Rubio's in San Francisco! Without a moment to spare I was in my car and on my way to the San Francisco Shopping Centre. I have been sorely dying of fish tacos so it was a no brainer. The call to fish tacos negated the invite to a Super Bowl party that my roomate's boyfriend was throwing. So I walked around downtown, finally getting the moments to go by myself and enjoy the city. I got to be in it, wandering around the streets in my new red coat. I smelled the air, fresh and crisp, I watched the clouds roll in. I drank in the smells of the soap from Lush, the sound of the guy who plays tubs as drums on the corner. I sat in Union Square as the sun went down, watching the lights on the buildings grow more intense with the coming of night. I watched the tourists board the trolleys, the people streaming out into the street when the lights changed. I wandered out further than the center around Union Square, towards the older, lower buildings, the homeless crouched on the ground, not shaking cups as in the streets a few blocks earlier, but sleeping under blankets in doorways and awnings. The sky got darker as I made the trek to my car, the people with turrets screaming obsceneties as they passed, walking on streets with little crowded shops chock full of merchandise and cars honking. And somehow, this touched me more than anything else. The reality of this glamorous city, like the perfect lover the moment you discover his first weakness and flaw and perfection becomes endearment and inevitably, love. 7:42 p.m. - Sunday, Feb. 06, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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