i send my SOS to the world- this is my message in a bottle. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I Deserve Your Love I was walking to class today; the rain falling from the sky in that slow misty way that emphasizes each drop. It was almost slow motion the way the rain fell, almost as soft and slow as snow. There were people freezing and miserable underneath awnings, waiting for the sky and the storm to momentarily clear. I walked past them, straight into the rain, without an umbrella. I wore a pink peacoat, a coat I dubbed my 'San Francisco' coat long before I moved here and felt a warmth inside me that was so unlike the weather. I listened to Santana's "Why Don't You And I" on my iPod as I walked and felt this...buoyancy. It was weird; in such a stark contradiction to the weather, but I almost felt like I was in a music video in 80 degree weather, some cheesy, smiling, dancing extravaganza. I couldn't help but grin and work so hard to stifle the urge to cut a caper, throw my hands into the air and splash in the puddles like I was 8 years old. I just had the strongest urge to dance in the rain or reenact some romantic movie moment and have someone to kiss in the middle of the quad, in the rain. It was just total spontaneous, irrepressible joy. I wanted to laugh out loud because I'm sure I was grinning like an idiot, so pleased at the world in general, happy living in his moment before it became just another memory. I made some friends and had lunch with a guy in one of my classes who asked me out for Thursday. I lied and said I was busy. And, yesterday when the last boy I dated reappeared and wanted to talk on the phone... I said no. It's nice to feel like, yea, I still kinda got something happening... but I've made that resolution to myself to find something, well...real. And I think I've been around enough guys to trust myself from the get go. I always kinda of rationalized myself out of my initial impressions, and now I realize that they're valid. I already know what I'm looking for. I've learned I need to trust my gut instinct. So, I actually, despite the fact that I've brushed aside two prospects, feel really good. I always took the quote, "We accept the love we think we deserve" from The Perks of Being A Wallflower, seriously. But now I know I mean it. I know what I deserve, and the act of holding out for it makes me feel good. More in control. I don't want to compromise anymore. I want the best, and I want to be with someone I love wholeheartedly because I finally feel like I have a whole heart to give. I'm not going to waste it this time. 12:49 a.m. - Wednesday, Feb. 16, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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