i send my SOS to the world- this is my message in a bottle. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Buckle Up, It's Gonna Be Quite a Ride I feel like I need a seatbelt for my life. Everything is changing so fast that I don't even know where to begin. I've gone through all the possible emotions one person can go through in a couple hour span; excitement, wild, buoyant joy, intense fear, love, excited, lost. I got news today- news that could totally change my life. From this minute on, everything that I know could change. It could totally stay the same as well, but there is the possibility that my tomorrow could be exactly how I always planned it should be-- and getting that...well, that wasn't something I had planned for. For some reason, I had just planned my future as "there"- this spot that I would magically find myself in. I never thought of the in between. September. Feasibly, if I don't come home for the summer, it was the time I was supposed to finally be settled back in to living in San Diego. Now, I may be traipsing and touring through China. Touring. Me. Singing. Like I always wanted to. I may not be going to SDSU in the fall like I thought I was going to. I may not be in this country. From this moment on, everything could...change. And, even if it doesn't, in some small way, it has. Because touring was the last piece of the unfinished puzzle. It was recording, and then it was the CD, and then...touring. And now it may happen and I'm so floored beyond belief that I don't know what to say at all. If it takes off- well then, who knows. If it doesn't....who knows. I feel like the ground has been pulled out from underneath me, and my bearings are totally lost. It feels good, and it feels so scary because I have no idea what the next day or the next is gonna look like. When I first heard from Jade I was wigging out in the hallways before class. I couldn't imagine just sitting there while the excitement built within me. Luckily, to punctuate the perfection of the moment nicely- class was cancelled. Dan showed up and we went on spontaneous adventure. We just drove south with no particular destination until we ended up in Palo Alto. I had said earlier in the evening that it would be cool to go to Stanford, and lo and behold, all of a sudden (or rather, 45 minutes later)...we were there, although neither one of us really even knew where Stanford was. The drive home felt so good- I forgot how much I missed driving on wide open freeways, singing at the top of my lungs. I just missed singing, period. There are so many thoughts going through my head right now- I'm so excited because this is the fruition of a long held dream. Because I'm gonna actually DO it. And I'm scared because it's actually gonna happen in a capacity that will totally change my every day life. This is the real deal. This is truly doing it. So those moments that I planned on having in September may be totally different than I anticipated and that could change everything. I sat down and wrote down so many of the words that I was feeling in my big black journal, and one of the questions I posed to myself seemed to stick out from the other ones: "When will home be home again?" This is such a rambling entry, but it is such an intense feeling that I'm sure no amount of hyperbolic phrasing is gonna change the simplicity of this moment. My whole world could change. 1:23 a.m. - Thursday, Feb. 17, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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