i send my SOS to the world- this is my message in a bottle. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Miracles Without Warning Little did I know, six months ago that my life was going to change. Drastically. I had a set pattern and a path that I was contented with, but as I was looking through some old things that I had written, I came across this thing I had put down six months ago just before starting school at SDSU: I start school tomorrow- another chapter of my life, another place, another set of people. And it feels like another thing to do. Which is good- nervousness doesn't really serve any purpose anyway. The thing is I just miss the feeling of getting excited for something. The anxious anticipation, the feeling of being alive, of seeing something new, of opening your heart... I miss that. I feel kinda deadened, a little numb, a little broken, a little world weary and travel worn, like a reused card board box with bashed in edges. It's not that I'm not happy about it- this is where I wanted to go, what I wanted all along. I just mean in the general sense...it seems like I'm a poet without a muse, only living a somewhat lackluster existence. I guess this is because I operate better when I use my heart, when it is involved in my decisions, in my daily life... and I feel like that won't come again. I feel like I'm doing stuff, moving with each wind of change but not letting it knock me or sway me. Maybe this is what being an adult is, losing this sense of idealistic joy that echoes every childlike movement. Maybe this is what being an adult is- losing your sense of wonder, of awe. Maybe this is what growing up is like- and I hate that. I hear the negativity of my voice- the lilting joyful tone is gone, replaced with a sarcastic deadpan. This isn't how I want to live my life forever. I need to do something to find that again, one of the truer, more honest things about me. I don't want to loathe my reflection, the "seen it all" demeanor. Is it too late to get that back? What can I do, resolving now, to find that girl, to find her again and make her real? Have I gone too far?
And now, everything in my life is upside down, different, changed. I don't know what June looks like, or September or next January. There is the potential for adventure from the moment I wake up every day. And it thrills me to get this back, this part of my life that I thought had become dormant, this part of me that is awakened and alive. It feels like a resolution, almost a testament to the woman I would like to be, and the one that I am realizing I am. It feels good to know that the potential of my life and me in it exists. The city feels good, and me within it feels right in a way that is odd considering the swiftness in which I pursued coming here. No warning, no thunderclap preceeding the lightning. I just...left. But the way my heart would swell as I would see the ocean shimmering, coming over a hill in Del Mar or the wide open hearted feeling I would get as I stood at La Jolla Shores has become the same way I feel when I drive down 19th avenue and see the Golden Gate Bridge over the tops of the trees of the park. I wonder if I can feel this poignancy no matter where I go. What is the definition of home? And when will "home" ever be home again? I am lucky to have this duplicity in my life though- two places that feel comfortable to me, two sets of people in my life who touch me immensely with their presence. That's more than twice I could ever ask for. In the upcoming months, all of that could be pushed even further and this city that has adopted me could become another place I used to live. And it could all be different once again. And while that thought freaks me out, it is also a good thing because maybe I can make my home anywhere. 3:23 p.m. - Tuesday, Feb. 22, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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