i send my SOS to the world- this is my message in a bottle. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Temporary Homecoming It's been quite a homecoming. For the first time since I left, I returned home. The longest I had been away, and everything fit as I remembered, and yet somehow everything was different. I flew in on Monday night, almost missing my flight due to the call of Bailey's Irish Creme Cheesecake in Berkeley. But I made the flight, and as my Southwest Flight 509 made it's way over the sights I have burned in my memory I felt my heart swell in a way that only home can initiate. It was so different than everything in my present memory, but the images of the only place I can deem a hometown. The sprawl of the land, stretching for miles and miles, so different than the compact voracity of San Francisco. It was almost like staring into the endless sky from below you instead of above, the varied streetlights creating a carpet of stars. We flew over Balboa Park, the topmost parts of the intricate buildings reminding me of the weekend before I moved. I could trace the red and white outlines of the freeways from the sky, the veins of the city that connects and provides life. It all seemed so...new. My eyes so quickly became accustomed to the years that San Francisco wears in every curve and building that I had forgotten the newness of San Diego, like a lover parading new clothes every time they meet. Over the week I've marveled at the simplest, easiest things- the silence of my room that belongs soley to me, laying splayed out on my queen sized bed and sinking below its well worn covers, driving at 80mph on wide freeways, the expanse of blue sky that stretches out farther than I can remember seeing in a long time, the multivariance of the clouds after a storm, the feel of still air, the nights that don't require shivering underneath a jacket, the spontenaity of not needing to walk ten minutes to the parking lot where my car is situated. I've tried to cram in as many friends as I could, booking in lunches, breakfasts, dinners to the breaking point. I've tried to spend as much time with my sisters, parents, grandparents and loved ones. I've also tried to cram as much alone time, sitting in my room watching the History channel as I possibly could. I've laid in bed leisurely reading, I've marveled at the fact that I don't have to follow anyone else's patterns. I've also, suprisingly enough, missed San Francisco. The contradiction in all of this is that I am happy in both places. I realized in the same breath that it's nice to be home and I'll be glad when I return, and that part of me doesn't want to leave San Francisco. At least yet. Oddly enough, it'll be good to go home. Which is strange because I found myself slipping when I said that. When did San Francisco become home? It seems like both have become a home in a way. I'm actually anticipating being in my chilly city, enjoying the grey-ness of the sky and the rain that comes so quickly and often. I miss the pastel buildings nestled up to one another, the unforgiving ocean, the bite in the air. But in my time here I enjoyed the tastes of the city I have missed; Wings-n-Things with Mishi, Carne Asada Fries with Dan, White Hot Chocolate from the Living Room with Jade, fresh tortillas from the vendor on the street in Old Town, Chambord and Tonic at Red Circle, my Dad's sinigang for dinner, taquitos in my car, fish tacos from Rubios. I savored the things I've craved the most; Hugs from Dan, sitting on a park bench at night on La Jolla Cove watching the clouds, cracking jokes and discussing life with Jade, dancing the night away in the Gaslamp with my boys, the off color jokes that my mom makes that crack me up like no other, having my dog sit in my lap as I watch TV. I even saw Boyz II Men at 4th and B with the friends- a wonderful, wonderful evening full of music, laughing, grooving----6th Row, Center. Even though Dan (2) missed his flight from San Francisco to catch the concert, it was an amazing affair. So much love in the audience, and that was the third time I have seen them live, and the closest I've been thus far. It was sooo good- just being with the people I love, enjoying music that I love. So much so that when Dan (2) rolled into town and decided to drive up to Agoura Hills where they were playing the next night (Friday), since he had missed the first show, Jade and I jumped on the wagon and were up for the spontaneous road trip. So I left San Diego for a day and went up to LA. It was just as awesome on the repeat, and I was so glad that Dan was able to see them. We were even closer to the front this time, so close that I got one of the "I'll Make Love to You" red roses from Nate that they give to certain women in the audience!! I was ridiculously psyched. I also got to touch Shawn's hand. It was an awesome show, only made better by the fact that I was with people who love them too. Saturday was the goodbye for Dave- who is moving to Virgina in a week and a half. I am going to miss him like crazy- he is one of the constant, steady forces in my life. And he's leaving because of the Marines. I knew it was coming, but he didn't know for sure until last week. I'm glad that I decided to come home this week, or else I would have missed him. We went to dinner then made our way to the Gaslamp to club like old times. Almost all of us were there, and I felt so good to be around the guys again. I realize these moments are fleeting and few in the future, apart from the easy, continous stream of the last year and a half. But I'm trying to look forward with anticipation rather than to look behind me at what was. Dave asked me if it felt being surreal, being home. In a way, it is- nothing is different, nothing has changed. I know I have, in small ways. I feel older in a way that I didn't notice when I was up in SF. There are so many other things I can't even begin to comprehend about what has changed, things that won't make sense until the moment has passed me and I can look at it objectively. The view is the same but the vision is different. So I'm going back to San Francisco tomorrow, and none of me is tied, wanting to stay more. I find that strange and odd. Part of me is even looking ahead with mostly lamentation because that time I have left seems so short. But there are other journeys to be had this year, so in all things-- I have to just look forward.
1:20 a.m. - Monday, Mar. 28, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||