i send my SOS to the world- this is my message in a bottle. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Closing the Door on B227 I moved out of my apartment today. I closed the door on B227 one last time, after every last box had been packed away, drinking in the memory of when I first moved in. I remembered the white echo-y silence, the first impressions, the first splashes of color and home. I remembered sitting on the closed lid of the toilet and shedding a few quiet tears after my parents had finally left- the only time I really cried out of homesickness. And now, I'm in this gray area, this in between state between being here and there. I don't really have a home right now. I'll be home in about a week, I leave the bay area by the end of the weekend. I couldn't bear to leave the city today to drive to Emeryville because I knew that each savored moment brought me closer to the end. I want so bad to be part of all of it simlitaneously. I want to laugh into the darkness as a friend talks to me on the phone while I walk to my apartment in the wee morning hours. I want to keep watching the fast moving clouds that travel across the Sunset faster than any clouds I've ever seen. I want to keep letting it change me through every experience, breath, challenge and obstacle. I want to keep going on Wenesday Night Adventures. I want to keep having impromptu bonfires at Ocean Beach. I want to go to comedy nights and travel through unknown freeways and dance at clubs until ridiculously early morning hours. I also want to lay in my own bed and pet my dog and hear the voices that are so a part of everything I've ever been. I want to remind myself of the girl I was before I came here. I want to weed out the new bad habits I've accumulated, and utilize the good ones I've learned. I want to eat taquitos, even though I've semi tamed that sad addiction. I want to feel the swell of my heart as the ocean comes into focus as I drive into Del Mar. I want to let go and I want to hold on so bad. I know that should I ever decide to return, it will be on different terms. It'll never be like this again. Which, in some ways is the best scenarios and in others, makes me sad. It'll be like re-meeting an old love, or reacquainting yourself with your own reflection. Something familiar that isn't really the same. I went to a bunch of places that signaled home for me here; the view of the city from Twin Peaks, the smell of food from Park Chow and GoGo Cafe, the light and air filters through the trees in Golden Gate Park. It'll all be different, mostly because I'll be different. San Diego will be the same way when I return. I guess with all of this--- No matter where I go now, I'll never be the same. 2:08 a.m. - Wednesday, Jun. 01, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||