i send my SOS to the world- this is my message in a bottle. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Random Missing It's been long enough for the point where the missing should die down, where I settle into my routine of everything that made up the past 22 years, minus 6 months. It has been long enough so that I can appreciate the blueness of the sky here, the silence at 3am of my own room, the knowledge that at any given moment the number of people available to call and be around here is more than the amount of fingers I have. But that doesn't stop the unexpected moments that occur on cloudy moments when the sky is pure white from the clouds- a sky and temperature that reminds me of San Francisco, that causes my heart to constrict with all the things that I wish I could be a part of right now. I've worded in fifty million different ways how much I miss San Francisco, so it bears no repeating. I listen to songs that remind me of SF just to bring back the gently fading picture of driving down 19th next to the M as it makes it's way past Stonestown. I think of streets I've been on and the smells of the restaurants on Clement, the length of streets and the density of trees in the park, the spaces between buildings in the Avenues, the contents of stores I've visited, quietly plotting and mapping out directions in my head to places I won't see for months. I think of you, walking down streets and occupying plastic seats on MUNI trains, breathing in the air that I miss so desperately. A small percentage of it means missing you, but as each day goes by I realize how big the imprint that the city left on me is so much wider than the span of your hands. I miss the new things to discover in a city that constantly changed over six months. I miss the change in me that I felt in it- a change so distant here as I start to replay old patterns out of comfort. I miss the sound of your laughter, although it becomes more tangible to me somehow when I recieve it over the phone. It fills the line, somehow bridging the gap of a state, and I imagine you sitting there, letting that laugh of yours set forth- full and warm and from the diaphram, dark eyes that crinkle in the corner when it occurs. If I was there right now, for three days, I know exactly what I would do. I would spend one morning by myself, ride the N Judah downtown and sit in Union Square again and listen to Moses play on the plastic tubs. I would buy two slices of Blondie's Pizza - one for me, and one for the first homeless person I encountered- simply because I'm glad to be back in San Francisco. I would go to Ameoba and buy more vinyl. I would sit at the top of Twin Peaks and replay every conversation I've had with various friends. I would have wontons at Park Chow. I would go to Stow Lake and check up on my ducks. I would take pictures of random people and street corners. I would stop missing you. 2:21 a.m. - Friday, Jul. 01, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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