i send my SOS to the world- this is my message in a bottle. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Pull of the Moon I haven't written much lately- at least in here. For some reason, the words feel more private. There used to be a time when I wanted everything chronicled for public consumption, as if I could prove to myself that I existed, that I lived, that I could mirror my heartbeat in the light, rhythmic clacking of my laptop's keyboard. Also, I haven't had much to write about lately. I am home and it is the same as always has been. I am almost the same too, in a way that is both reassuring and disappointing. Because I can recall a time, not too long ago, when I was just a little bit different. But this entry sounds like the last three entries I've written- full of missing and change and loss, and that isn't quite a wholly adaquate descriptor. I am working, I am getting ready to leave for Europe, I am going out with friends, I am laughing a lot, I am having quiet dinners at home and loud racous evenings out in the Gaslamp, I am buying books and reading them, I am (slowly) falling out of infatuation. There is a specific change that exists on my horizon- one that is the one suprising thing that I didn't anticipate in all this time. There is one change that will be painful and sad, a change that means letting go of something that I didn't even realize I had been holding on to. It is a change that won't hit me until much later, a transition that will happen over days and weeks and quiet moments before it even dawns on me that things are different. It's like the quiet ebb and flow of the tides, and I'm always pulled by the same moon, whether or not I admit it or realize it. And I wonder if that will ever change. 10:34 p.m. - Monday, Jul. 25, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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