i send my SOS to the world- this is my message in a bottle. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Love and Change I felt it coming for a long time. Like the slow, inevitable decline, the graceful, arching descent of a juggling ball that returns to it's hand. You know it's got to come down anyway- the part of you that likens love to gravity--- sometimes the pull of it brings us crashing earthbound. And I guess I knew, deep down inside that it had already started- the thoughts that didn't come as often, the familiar pang of delightful despair that disappeared just as I was starting to get used to it. Somehow, it's the absence of this torture that hurts the most. I guess, if I had to stop being cryptic, that I saw it coming, but I wasn't ready, not really- to see if full force. Like a slap in the face, or the crack of a gun shot, or maybe a clap of thunder, or maybe even just seeing your face after so long--- and it's gone. I realized it today, sitting on the wall of seaport village, eating ice cream and looking out into the surf with you as the sun set over the Coronado bridge. All of a sudden, all of the little pieces of me that have longed and wanted and needed you for a really long time, simply left me and I realized something I've known this whole time. And part of me feels like I've lost you because it happened a long time ago, and I'm only realizing it now. Part of me feels like I've lost myself because you were something I've wanted so badly- with every fiber of my being. I put so much of my heart into it, with the same dogged, childlike determination, the same bit lip and puckered brow and grasping hands that have tried so hard for so long. And then, all of a sudden to realize the one thing you've wanted for so long is nothing more than a memory. Like the pieces of a puzzle that used to fit so succinctly with everything I thought I needed so badly that now don't fit together. It makes me feel as if I've changed, that the silences in between what we say to each other only remind me of the person I used to be and how I long at times to be that person again. But losing you in so many ways only serves to remind me that I've lost little pieces of myself along the way too. 12:15 a.m. - Friday, Sept. 02, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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