i send my SOS to the world- this is my message in a bottle. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Balance/Imbalance So he's gone and that's done, and I can't say that I am entirely surprised. There seems to be some invisible wall between third dates and relationships. It's just at that point where things become real, at that labored second in between your hello and your gooodbye where you're not quite sure which sentiment applies more. And yes, it's too bad. But sometimes I think there exists...something, that prevents me from taking these relationships too far. Maybe there is something that exists on my horizon that I can't discern just yet, something that is drawing me more to it than I could have possibly imagined. This is what I tell myself. But occasionally after turning over the small amount of memories around in my brain until they are worn smooth from repeated use, new, almost insignificant things will come to mind and disrupt the balance again. At any rate, I'm gearing up for a very busy year--- my last semester of school, my internship, working to save money to move back up to San Francisco, recording the second half of our album, being a bridesmaid twice, graduation....the list goes on and on. But it is still too bad. 10:46 p.m. - Sunday, Jan. 15, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Initial Fears
And it dawned on me- that this intimacy that I shared, these kisses, these hands, while hardly innocent in their wanderings but not completely lustful in their intent- are giving more of myself than I had to any other man I had given much more to. Because your hands tangled and entwined in the back of my hair, or your fingers spread against the width of my ribcage as we slept- speaks more of something that I couldn't put a finger to until now. Somewhere between tenderness and need, wedged in the spaces between warmth and coldness. What to say, really? That instead of being buoyant, of reveling in the moment of this startling new development, all I am is afraid. More afraid of anything I can recall being afraid of in a long while. Because I don't know if things are going to progress further- the miles and inches equal a state between us. And, even more so than that, having you means losing you. I always thought skin could be erased- the marks and bruises fade, the kisses become distant recollections. And while I don't know how I feel about you yet, and refrain from stating so as to avoid undue romanticizations- I do know that I learned today the difference between lust and intimacy, and that I lost more to you today than any technical virginity long gone. So if you fade from my life and your voice becomes only a passing musing, satisfied with what I already gave, than the fear will subside and I will continue my life unaltered. But if you stay, and call, and one weekend watching the sun rise in the deepness of your dark mahagony sleigh bed becomes numerous weekends and kisses, well, that thought scares me far worse than the former. 4:51 p.m. - Tuesday, Nov. 22, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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