i send my SOS to the world- this is my message in a bottle. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Overwhelmed Right now, I'm okay. It's a precarious situation because I really don't know how long it will last. I hit a place that I wasn't even sure I had ever been last week- at a place where I really questioned my health- mentally, physically, emotionally. I can't ever recall feeling that autonomous in my sorrow- feeling that true weight of really being alone. Everyone is going through their own thing so I told myself that the best thing to do would be to just get through it myself. Maybe I was overwhelmed-- while I am doing the best that I have ever done in school, I constantly am fighting deadlines every 20 seconds. And then recording, work and my internship all fight for what little time I have. And then my grandma--- I can't even verbalize how much the slow process of losing her affects me. And then being one step closer to having this diagnosis be true. And then getting into my dream grad school only to start to doubt whether or not it's what I really want. Maybe, in all seriousness, I need professional help. I felt so sick- just so unlike myself. Even the way I coped with it was different. I finally talked about it with Chris last night, which actually helped immensely- I had no idea how keeping all of it in was breaking me. I realize now how much I need a break- how burnt out I really am, how much I am incredibly emotionally affected by my grandma, from the fear of being sick myself. I've been keeping myself so busy that I try to stifle down and stop recognizing how I feel. And when I talk to my friends, I am happy to hear from them, but then when I hang up the phone or am not with them, I am depressed all over again. I feel okay right now. I hope that I'm not just pressing it down again, but I also know I'm not really making any changes to make my situation better. It doesn't feel like there is much I can give up or change. I thought maybe I could stop pushing myself so hard at school, but I have worked so hard all semester that I don't want to give that up now. I can't drop work or my internship or recording. Nothing will change my grandma or my health. It's all there- always waiting, always part of me. But right now I'm okay, and that's what matters. 1:47 a.m. - Tuesday, Apr. 04, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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