i send my SOS to the world- this is my message in a bottle. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bald Thoughts
First I was in a large room facing the ocean- maybe more like a two story cave. A cliff hung on both sides and water kept rushing in and out like the tide. I tried to get somewhere where there was safety, but I ended up right in the middle- where the water was strongest and hit the hardest. It took forever to crawl/swim to the back of the cave. Then, I was in the woods, near a hill and a large vista. A large black woman that in my dream was Vernon's mother was asking me where the child was. I knew it was mine, that I had not known her at long, if at all, that maybe someone else had raised her. She was three, dark with large trusting brown eyes and nappy hair pulled into four separate twists. So I started singing into the landscape, "Child of mine, child of mine" with the notes rising in these little intervals. I can almost sing the melody back in my consciousness, but will probably forget later. I kept singing, longer and louder and my voice had this clarity to it that I had never had. Right after the longest, highest, richest note I had ever song, I hear a loud, high pitched scream and I drop to the dirt floor. There is my daughter, dead. Needless to say, I have not been having good sleep lately. Two weeks ago, I had three nightmares in a row. Then I had a little interlude of better sleep. Now, I feel unrelaxed so it takes me forever to get to sleep- I feel like my body is too tense to really fit into the groove of the bed. Sometimes, it flits through my mind that I could understand why people hurt themselves--- you feel a rage and a pain and a sickness that doesn't seem to encapsulate itself well into words, and articulating it makes it seem smaller or petty. Pain means you're serious perhaps? These are bald thoughts, none of which should be taken too seriously. 7:16 p.m. - Thursday, Apr. 06, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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