i send my SOS to the world- this is my message in a bottle. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Betrayal of My Own Heart It's weird, having this hang over me like this. I have been downplaying the seriousness of it all in my mind, listening to a friend's voice who tells me that the only outward manifestation of this could be just to take a pill or two everyday. But that didn't feel right-- that just didn't feel like that would be it. So I did more research. People have died. I looked at this woman who passed away at 31. I am 23. I know that it's not everyone. I may even not feel it. But it's more serious than I like to think it is. I may never have children. Infertility isn't the same as "having problems having children". A pill is not going to fix it in every case, and I just might be that case. Heart disease, pulomnary embolisms, Syndrome X... all of these are related. If I have PCOS, I may have to go in for even more rounds of tests to find out if I have these other things too. I am tired of being a lab rat. There are support groups and listservs, there are "in memory of" banners and people who wear bracelets to increase awareness. It isn't like having a cold or a minor irritation. When it was a possibility, but I didn't know the depth and breadth of it, I cried. A lot. And now that I understand better, I am too scared to cry. I don't want to think about it anymore. I've never given my own mortality a lot of thought, other than in the dramatic way you think about it when you are young. But sometimes I feel my own heart beating in my chest and I feel like it one day may be the one thing that betrays me. My own heart. 9:48 p.m. - Thursday, Apr. 06, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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