i send my SOS to the world- this is my message in a bottle. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Handle with Care I think I'm either grinding my teeth or clenching my jaw very hard in my sleep because when I wake up in the morning, it's usually sore or hurts. I had my ultrasound today. I cracked jokes with the radiologist because I couldn't think of anything else to do. The jelly that they rub on your stomach is suprisingly warm. I laughed when she put the probe in and tried not to look like a pervert. I wasn't scared because I really had to pee, which took my mind off of what I was really there for. I won't know for awhile, and I just have a feeling that I'll probably be subjected to more tests. I peeked at my chart while I was waiting for them to call me. Apparently, my primary doctor felt a 'fullness' or a 'growth' on my left side during one of my tests. I don't want to think about it. I spent Wednesday at my Grandma's crying into her side for two hours. I couldn't help it-- so much of me wants to be strong for her, but I couldn't help it. I told her I was going to stay in San Diego for this year instead of going away to grad school and I started sobbing and couldn't stop. She told me that she loved me, more than a grandaughter, and more like a daughter. That she would always be there for me, that her one wish for me was that I grow up to be like my parents-- hard working, loving. She said that she wants me to think of her and know that I can always come to her about anything, like a best friend, like I can talk to her like I can talk to Jade. I love her so much that it hurts, it tears up my insides, it burns because I know I'm going to lose her soon. I've never loved someone so much that it hurt, that it killed me a little inside because I knew I was going to lose them. Soon. I need her, and I feel like a part of me is dying with her. For several days afterwards, I felt on the verge of tears every time I thought of it. Even now, sometimes. 1:51 a.m. - Saturday, Apr. 15, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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