i send my SOS to the world- this is my message in a bottle. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Life that We Intend to Lead Sometimes, the life that we intend to lead is not always the one we end up living. I remember the first time I realized I loved San Francisco. It was on a mildly sunny, yet still cold day one August, as a visitor. We came out of Yerba Buena tunnel, and all of a sudden my entire vision was obscured by the weight of the Bay Bridge- long swooping arches with little dotted lights that never ceased to remind me of an airport runway. The city moved underneath me on my right side- and my heart swelled. I had never felt so at home, so pulled and compelled by streets at angles that I only knew in geometry books. It was an instantaneous decision- I had to be there. Soon. I wanted to live there immediately- to lay on the grass in a park with a book on a rare sunny day, to drive down streets with unfamiliar names that didn't bear the standard Spanish monikers of Southern California. No Calles or Caminitos, just names, like Geary and Brannan. And before I knew it, I was there. I had planned my whole last year around returning- around building a life in a city that knew me better than I knew myself. Even more importantly, a city that knew the potential for all I could be, better that myself. June 23rd was the moving date I chose. I had a reason- a school that I love, doing something that I believe encompasses all of the reasons I have for being. Writing, expressing and understanding the world around me. I had a roof to live under, even a potential color scheme for my new room-- red and chocolate. But I made a decision, over the last couple of weeks. I am not going this year. I have cried a lot of tears over it. I have gone back and forth, verbalizing it repeatedly to make myself strong, to affirm it, to test the taste of the decision in my mouth. I am not going this year. That first sight of love that I encountered as I emerged from the Yerba Buena tunnel never dimmed or lost it's meaning, no matter how many times I did it. I always felt like I was entering the world at that moment- a long dark space ending in light. I still feel that way now, when I close my eyes and imagine it. Sometimes, the life that we intend to lead is not always the one we end up living. Right away. But I will. 2:36 a.m. - Monday, Apr. 17, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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