i send my SOS to the world- this is my message in a bottle. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Only Reason I woke up with puffy eyes this morning (for the second time this week), but this time, I don't really remember crying all that much. It's weird, I guess. This whole situation- staying here, my grandma, my future, etc. Yes, my grandma was the definitive reason why I decided to stay. Was she the catalyst? No-- I think my health was the reason I started thinking about it in the first place. Being pushed into a corner where you feel sick in every sense of the word is enough to make you re-evaluate which parts of yourself you need to take care of first. But then, I started to feel better. On the way home from Diane's, after a nice evening with friends, I started to feel more like myself, and started to feel that familiar pang. I could actually feel the push, and I thought about all the possibilities of that new life, of unexplored adventures, friends. I started to doubt myself. Should I stay? Logic and reason say that I should stay, and my heart says that I should go- take the risk, make the leap. I couldn't sleep at all on Tuesday-- I tossed and turned until 3am until a small, still voice that was my own penetrated my consciousness. My grandma. Leaving in June means leaving her permanently. Leaving my family who needs me. Losing precious time with her that I can never get back. I lost the last 6 months of my grandfather's life the last time I was in San Francisco. I want to be there, every single day until the end when it comes to my grandmother because she has been there for every day of my life. I want to be there when she needs me, I want to be there for my mother, and my sisters. I need my family to hold me together because I know I couldn't do it alone up there by myself. Mourning my grandmother's sickness was hard enough when I lived up there. Coping with my grandfather's death was hard being so far away from everyone. If I moved up there, and I was alone... I don't know what I'd do. I'm already scared enough, knowing I'm going to lose her soon. I'm afraid that after she is gone, I may fall apart. I know that this will be the hardest thing I have ever had to go through, and the thought scares me more than I can possibly imagine. I get uncomfortable at times when people commend me for staying. I don't want to be made as if I am unselfish. If anything, I think that this is a selfish act. I am the one who needs her. I am the one who benefits from being around her. If anything, all the doubt that I had about whether or not it was right for me to stay left me when I thought of her. On my list of pros and cons- she is the only reason I will ever need. 12:51 a.m. - Tuesday, Apr. 18, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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