i send my SOS to the world- this is my message in a bottle. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Procrastinating Emotion
But I'm just...sick of it. I'm sick of always putting myself on hold so that I can get things done. I'm sick of my emotions playing second place to my actions. I'm tired of feeling like my heart is way down at the bottom of my to-do list, as if how I feel isn't a priority to what I need to do. I feel like I've been putting myself on hold for a year to do more than I have ever done. I'm sick because I am so busy that I haven't given myself any time to process anything that bothers me or hurts me, that upsets me, because it's such a distraction and there are things that need to be done. I hate having to swallow everything down because my attention is focused into something else. I hate waking up tired every day. I hate feeling this negative when I feel as though I am a positive person. I hate feeling like I am a horrible friend because there are 8 bajillion places that I need to be at the exact same time, and it kills me to know that I am too busy to be the friend that I should be. I hate how everything all of a sudden is supposedly a priority and yet I wake up in the morning and drive to whatever needs to be done and when I get to my destination, I am bewildered because I don't know how I got there. I hate how I forget sometimes how unhappy I really am because I occupy every single waking moment with an action until there comes one, glorious random day off that is totally ruined because that small, infintesimal span of time is enough for me to remember how fucked up everything is. It is in those slight moments off when I get time to reevaulate, to do the things that are truly important to me that I see how far off base I am in my daily life. I hate how fake it all seems sometimes because it looks as if I am happy, even to myself. Because when I am around the people I love, I am happy. But get me alone, driving in my car, or in my room in the dark in bed, and you'll find a person that you barely recognize. I hate calling friends when I am this kind of sad, because if I try to explain it, it never comes across to the depth and breadth that I feel it. When I verbalize it, it sounds so trivialized, so intellectualized, so unimportant. Really the words are so much more simple than I could ever express them. I am unhappy. That should really be all I have to say. I don't want someone to give me the solution. I just want someone to know. It feels so dishonest, feeling this and then showing something else. But it isn't intentional, really. It's just...natural. So now you know. 12:01 a.m. - Monday, May. 08, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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