i send my SOS to the world- this is my message in a bottle. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The First and Last I'm reading old journal entries of M. and it's... strange, how long ago that feels to me. Not just the time, the fact that it almost is another life, another person-- but the fact that I can't imagine feeling that way about someone, ever again. He was it- the first giddy, heartstopping, sweep me off my feet experience. He was the first handhold that felt natural, the first kiss that meant something profound, the best date, the one I felt like I connected to as we watched the cars pass on the 5 from mount soledad. He was how I imagined love felt at 20 years of age. Heady, instantaneous, consuming. And now, I look back and I can't fathom ever feeling that way about anyone else, ever again. Not in the depth and breath of it all, but just in the total, complete abandon. I had just been hurt before M., but those were boys. M. was a man, but little did I know that after him, I would never be a girl again. We never did anything more risque then kisses on the beach, but he took more of me than anyone else because I doubt I'll ever be that trusting again. Because after that, I became so much more wary. I stopped believing and started waiting for a man to confirm my suspicions rather than exceed my expectations. And I still feel that way- still holding parts of myself in my pocket for self preservations sake. For safe keeping. Because I haven't been proven wrong just yet and I'm starting to wonder if I ever will. 2:55 a.m. - Tuesday, May. 23, 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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