i send my SOS to the world- this is my message in a bottle.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Emotional Pacemaker
I will acknowledge to the silence, to a single lamp and the unblinking, steady cursor-
That there are there are things tonight to fear.
Tomorrow perhaps, and the day after- of having to do the work of three with only one pair of shoulders.
I must sing with an abandon that I cannot possess. I must must work. I must drive miles and miles though there is a weariness that lives in my chest, buried and silenced out of the pure necessity to keep going. I am afraid that the glue that keeps me together and moving forward propelling me into the next day will peter out of sheer exhaustion. I am exhilarated by the challenge, if I allowed myself to be anything other than bone weary tired. I must run on a machine- elliptical, economical, an emotional pacemaker. I must water the plants to keep two gardens growing. I must clean up after my blind dog, walk him and feed his obese little warm heart and clean his dirty body on Fridays. I have to throw the garbage on Monday nights, after clearing away the weeks trash, which will inevitably be filled with the fast food containers of meals provided to my two hungry younger sisters. I must put the chemicals in the hot, swirling water on Saturday, a mixture on the laminated page in the backyard. I will pick my grandma up four days a week, after eight hours of employ. I will run on a machine that goes no where for at least thirty minutes, four times a week. I will lift my weariness like a weight, in twelve reps for three sets, at least twice in seven days. I will record the sound of my own voice in the dark, trying to carve out my own life amidst the chaos, even if it means traveling a hundred miles even if my body only wants to travel those miles in my sleep. I will smile to the lens of a camera on the weekend, attempting to hide the bags under my eyes, creating fresh new looks as if I was still young, still exuberant and juggling a life that pulls me at all ends. And this is optimistically, what the near future looks like, if nothing goes wrong.
----
My parents are leaving for the PI tomorrow for two and a half weeks. Apparently, I was able to keep the household running last year at this time when they left before, but at that point, my grandma isn't as sick now as she is then. I worry, even though I can hear C.'s voice telling me that I shouldn't- that I should just do what I must, keep moving forward, cross my bridges when I reach them. I have to do this. I can live on my own just fine- I've done it already. The main apprehension I have is the fact that I'll be responsible for so much more than my own life- for my sister's, for my grandma's, for myself, for rocky, for any instance in which emergencies can arise and in which they aren't unlikely possibilities. I'm just already weary, spread thin and pushed in every direction.
12:31 a.m. - Wednesday, Nov. 15, 2006
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
previous - next
|
|
|
|
|
|